DAN IS IN DA HOUSE, MOTHERFUCKERS! IT’S ALL ABOUT DA UUUUUUUUUUUUU! It’s great to be writing again for this shitty site. Did you shitstains miss me? Of course you did. I’m the only thing that makes this dog and pony show interesting. Maybe if the dumb fuck that runs this site let me write more, he wouldn’t be wasting away as an internet nobody. Just sitting there at his fucking desk all day long constantly checking to see the tens of page hits he gets each day like the sad bastard he is. Or maybe if he turned this site into one dedicated to DA U business would be booming.
Anyway, If you’ve been wondering what I’ve been up to, well, I’ve been getting into some fun “shenanigans” as I call them, but apparently the State of Florida has a different word they use, which is “felonies,” therefore I cannot discuss my current legal matters publicly according to my lawyer, who is me. I figured since I blog on the internet here and there, that makes me close enough to being a lawyer. And for the record, that meth lab exploded WELL before I arrived, er, I mean—I just happened to be in the area.
Enough about me, it’s time to talk football and specifically the impending ass whipping my Hurricanes are about to lay on your precious Gaytors. You all think you’re gonna come into the Orange Bowl and beat Da U with ease? You got another thing coming, fuckers. Oh, you won 11 games last year, big whoop. You got lucky. I don’t remember how many games Miami won, but they’re primed for a Big East title this year and probably a national title.
Steven Norris is an NFL prospect at quarterback, probably a first rounder. If those two shitty quarterbacks from FSU can be taken in the first round, you better believe Norris is going top 10. Who does Florida got? Jeff Driskell? Last I heard, your best quarterback left town. Shoulda come to Da U, Jacory Brisket! Next time, listen to your mother! You could’ve had it all in Miami, but now you’re at shitty North Carolina State going nowhere. Sure, you can go there to beat FSU, but you can beat FSU AND win titles at Miami. Your loss.
Let’s talk about that shit heap you call an offense, Gaytor fans. The North Korean missile program has accomplished more through the air in the last three years than Florida’s passing game. You know your offense sucks when Tim Tebow is considered the best passing quarterback at your school in the last five years. Your offense couldn’t find the end zone if you started them on the opponent’s 1-yardline and gave them a compass, map, GPS, Sacagawea, and pointed them in the right direction. Your offense has more holes in it than my underwear. The only thing poorer than your offense is me—wait, no, your offense is poorer than me. Fuck you.
Your offense blows more dicks than Roxy…you probably won’t get that unless you know Roxy. She’s one of the girls that work around here and she blows a lot of guys. Actually, I guess, you don’t really have to know her to get that last joke. HA!
I should write for the fucking Tonight Show for that big chin twat. I kill myself. I could do this all day, but I’ve gotta run, literally, because people are out here calling the police on me for masturbating in public. I’m sorry, but I live on the street because I’m HOMELESS! WHERE ELSE AM I GOING TO MASTURBATE? Think about that before you call the police, assholes. It’s natural, just like breastfeeding. I don’t mind a woman whipping out her titty and letting her kid drink that sweet nectar in public, so why are men persecuted for masturbating in public? It’s unfair! It’s a double standard or something, if I knew what that meant. I suppose jerking it in public would be ok if a kid wa—ohp, gotta go, cops are here! September 7th is almost here and you’re gonna get fucked up, Gaytor fans. FUCKED. UP. You donkey dick choking, motherfuckers! IT’S ALL ABOUT DA UUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman