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[TD="class: tr-caption, align: center"]Via Yahoo![/TD]
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Miami coaches, players and fans are excited about this Saturday’s game against the Florida Gators because it marks the first time the Miami football program has tasted any semblance of relevancy on the national stage since the last time the Hurricanes played the Gators in 2008. Everyone around the program is thankful for the opportunity the University of Florida is bestowing upon the South Florida private school.
“This is a great thing for the South Florida area and this university,” said university president Donna Shalala. “Our football team is no longer a perennial national contender and is mocked at every turn because we talk about swagger incessantly despite only winning seven games seemingly every year, but with the top 10 ranked Gators coming into town this weekend and a nationally televised game on ESPN at noon, it breathes new life into us and it is a real gift to be able share the spotlight. They are doing us an enormous favor. We haven’t had this kind of positive attention since we played the Gators in 2008. We really thought that game was going to help us more than you could ever know, but it just didn’t work out. Hopefully, THIS is that game.”
Being associated with the Miami Hurricanes has been tough after the team posted an 11-2 record in 2003. Since then, the Hurricanes haven’t had a double-digit winning season and have had six seasons with seven or fewer wins while playing in a relatively weak conference. They have only been to six bowl games in that time with their last win coming in the 2006 MPC Computers Bowl in Boise, Idaho against Nevada. Their old stadium, the Orange Bowl, was demolished in 2008 and they are now forced to play their home games at Pro Player Stadium or SunLife Stadium or Pro Life Stadium or Whatever-The-Fuck-It’s-Called-These-Days Stadium, which is the home of the equally irrelevant Miami Dolphins. Not to mention the school’s current NCAA investigation.
Despite the hardships, those tied to the program have remained optimistic that one day they would know what it felt like to matter once again. Head coach Al Golden expressed joy for his players to finally get the chance to know what it feels like to play in a big game. “We know it’s just one game, but most of these guys have never played in a bowl game, so this is our bowl game and it will honestly probably be the closest we get to a bowl game this year. Win or lose, it’s just nice to finally be able to sit at the adults table.”
However, there are still Hurricanes fans who adamantly deny the fact that Miami is no longer relevant by immediately bringing up Miami’s current list of NFL players. “Man, fuck the haters,” said incredibly defensive Hurricanes fan, Mark Gravely, while taking a customer’s order at Wendy’s. “The U ain’t never left and it never will. If you think The U don’t matter, then why are they still dominating in the NFL? You ain’t even got to look at the statistics to know Miami owns that leag—Ay, motherfucker! I told you the Frosty machine don’t work!”
Looking at the statistics, the last player drafted in the first round from Miami was safety Kenny Phillips in 2008 by the New York Giants who used the last pick of the first round on the former safety. Phillips was recently released by the Philadelphia Eagles and is currently a free agent. Since the 2005 NFL draft, Miami has had 43 players drafted compared to 66 from Southern Cal and 54 each from LSU and Georgia. Additionally, Miami (39) trails Southern Cal (42), LSU (42), and Georgia (40) for the most players currently on NFL rosters. Even Miami’s record streak of 149 weeks of having an alum score a touchdown in an NFL game ended in 2011. What remains for Miami fans to brag about?
“Man, I don’t give a shit about what the stats say. Miami’s still relevant, okay? Fuck the Gay-turds and their shit-ass team. How’s Aaron Hernandez doing, bitches? It’s all about The U and that’s all that matters,” said Gravely, resorting to ad hominem attacks—a trademark of Miami fans—while sporting a Ray Lewis tattoo on his forearm.
These stats aren’t lost on Golden, however. He sees the numbers dwindling at the NFL level and hopes he can turn it around soon. “Like I said, we’re feeling truly blessed to have Florida come down here and bring all this attention with them and hopefully it helps us in the future and if it does, we will owe it all to the University of Florida.”
Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman
