Les Miles Arrested For Stealing Will Muschamp's Identity

[The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman]

Shortly after LSU's 17-6 win over the Florida Gators, head coach Les Miles was arrested for identity theft. Police found Miles in possession of Will Muschamp's driver's license, social security card, and several credit cards. Yesterday's game film was also taken in as evidence as it showed LSU winning by playing stout defense, relying on a physical running game offensively, and even committing a silly turnover, all staples of a Will Muschamp coached team.


"Yeah, it was pretty obvious what was going on if you watched the game," said detective Donald Warner. "LSU's been throwing the ball all over teams this year. They've run the ball, but they haven't committed to it like they did today. But what really tipped us off was how well the defense played. They haven't played that well all year, so we started looking in to it and sure enough, this was a classic case of identity theft."


Recent activity on Muschamp's credit card showed over $100 worth of candy, a train set, a Coaching For Dummies book, Scotts Turf Builder grass seed, and a year subscription to Brazzers. "We were kinda thrown off by the credit card purchases because honestly, some of that stuff could have been bought by Coach Muschamp," said Warner.


Les Miles' attorney, Les Miles, issued this statement on his behalf:


"To my family, friends, fans, and Mike the Tiger, these charges levied against me are outlandish and preposterous. Ask yourselves, am I a man capable of such a crime? Do I possess a criminal mind? The facts will shine through the light of day and illuminate the truth and my good name will be cleared. Honest to Petes, you have to believe me. I will fight this like a son of a bitch! You can't keep Leslie Edwin Miles down! Is that my real name? Holy shit, I never realized how ridiculous that is until I just wrote it down and stared at it for like a good ten minutes. Hey, have you ever said a word so many times that it loses all meaning and it just becomes a sound? Blank is a good one. Try it. Blank. Blank. Blank. Blaaaank. Blank. Blannnnnk. Bllllaaaannnkkkkk. Blank. Blank. Blankkkk. Anywhozzers. Not guilty!"


If Miles is found guilty, identity theft is one of the more serious crimes in the state of Louisiana and would carry with it a penalty of returning everything you stole to that person, along with saying you're sorry and promising you won't do it again.


Notes: Florida tried to travel to Baton Rouge with 64 kickers, but weren't able to fit them all in their luggage...The 240 total yards of offense was Florida's lowest output for the season. Fans, players, and coaches all firmly believe it's Jeff Driskel's fault...A week after tight end Tevin Westbrook caught a career high one reception for 12 yards, LSU did an excellent job of covering Florida's tight ends by ignoring them completely...Florida travels to Missouri next weekend for an SEC showdown. Winner gets control of the SEC East race and the loser also gets control of the SEC East race because nothing makes sense and everything is sad.


Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman