Scouting Report: University of Toledo Rockets

[The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman]

Founded: The night of March 21, 1911 was unlike most Ohio nights. It was colder and darker than usual. Colder than what you're thinking right now. No, colder. No, colder than that. Colder. Right there. Now, darker. Darker. Still not dark enough. Too dark. Back it up. Stop. Perfect. Horton Lee Toledo was on the lam for killing his wife…or maybe it was because he had eaten a bad tuna sandwich, no one knows for sure which one. Records are fuzzy on the exact nature of why he was on the run, but what we do know is that he was in need of a fresh start. After running all through the night, he made it a good mile from his house. He was a heavyset man, who was terribly out of shape. Upon waking up the next morning in a field after falling over in exhaustion from the night before, Toledo received a message in the clouds that read “Start A College, Dude.” There was also a cloud shaped like Hitler and details on how to prevent World War II, but he chose to ignore that one and go with the easier of the two. And in that field rose the University of Toledo.

Location: If you’re heading west on Washburn Ave, it’s on the left next to the KFC. If you see the Meijer, you’ve gone too far.



Least Famous Alum: Richard Newberry. Class of ’84. Majored in Accounting. After graduating, Richard (or “Dick” as he’s known to the handful of people who know he exists) joined the accounting firm, Hargrove CPAs, and has remained in the same soul-crushing position for the last 29 years. All of his hopes and dreams have been vanquished by the mind-numbing monotony of accounting work. He has received only three raises in that time and has contemplated suicide four times. He has never been married and lives alone with his basset hound, Gus. He enjoys watching The Wheel of Fortune, but not Jeopardy because he finds Alex Trebek to be “too Hollywood” since he shaved his mustache.


Head Coach: Matt Campbell (2nd season overall, both at Toledo, 10-4). I don’t often like to use the phrase “young up-and-comer in the coaching ranks,” so it makes it very easy for me to not say that about Matt Campbell.


Conference: MAC. You know the term "MACtion"? I invented that. Yeah, I came up with it after a 26 hour Hunter S. Thompson-like bender in Guatamala one summer. 25 of those hours were spent trying to come up with a cool name for MAC football. I think I nailed it. I also came up with the idea for Casual Fridays and the "Notes" app on your iPhone. Yep, I know what you're thinking and you're right, I do get laid a LOT.


Strengths: Lemme tell ya about this offense. When you think they’re gonna zig, them fuckers zag. When you think they’re gonna zag, I shit you not, they zig. Their zig and zag game is strong.


Weaknesses: Whenever they run off-tackle to the weakside from the I-formation with three receivers on second down inside their own 20 in the third quarter, they are absolutely fucking pathetic.


Player to Watch: RB David Fluellen. The Sporting News College Football Preview told me he’s a player I should watch. I don’t know if they’re a credible source, but it’s the only magazine I have next to me and I’d have to get up and walk across the room to get a different one and man, that’s just, no. You’ll just have to take my word that I’m taking The Sporting News’ word.


Fun Fact: Toledo's nickname originates from their city's illustrious history of manufacturing military weapons that are then sold to Middle Eastern countries.


Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman