Georgia Southern Lets Florida Keep $550,000 They Were To Receive For Agreeing To Play

[The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman]

The Georgia Southern Eagles walked into Ben Hill Griffin Stadium yesterday, then proceeded to run all over Florida Field. The Eagles amassed 429 rushing yards en route to a shocking 26-20 win over the sad, depleted, and comically bad Florida Gators. It was a big win for the Eagles program, their first ever over an FBS opponent, but one that, ultimately, left them feeling pity for the Gators players and coaches. Georgia Southern was set to receive $550,000 from Florida for playing the game, but decided Florida would be better off keeping the money because of their litany of problems.

"I'm really proud of our team and what this win means for the school, but after seeing Florida's problems up close, I cannot in good conscience accept this money," said Georgia Southern head coach Jeff Monken while dancing on top of the press box like the king of the mountain.


"They could use that money for so many good things like paying for better coaches or paying for better players or investing in more team doctors or insurance policies or erecting a sign that reads 'Jeff Monken Field at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium.' Lots of possibilities that would benefit them better than it would Georgia Southern."


Athletic director Jeremy Foley was gracious for Georgia Southern's pity. "We really need the money since we only had six home games this year instead of seven. This helps a lot with paying that coaching search firm that's helping us find a new head coach...did I just say that out loud? I mean, myself and the administration are still one thousand percent behind Will Muschamp. I think I did a pretty good job of covering just now. If you'll excuse me, I have to go read all the angry, poorly written emails from our spoiled, entitled fanbase...dammit, I did it again...uh...gotta go!"


Notes: This shit really happened, didn't it?...Brent Pease announced after the game that he has cancer. "You wouldn't fire a guy with cancer would you? That wouldn't look good." When asked what kind of cancer he had, Pease nervously said, "Uh...gotta go!" and quickly ran off...Seriously, this shit really happened? They really lost?...Skyler Mornhinweg said he tries to pattern his game after the Detroit Lions quarterbacks he grew up watching while his father, Marty, was the head coach. Greats like Charlie Batch, Joey Harrington, Mike McMahon, and Ty Detmer. "I think it's pretty evident in his game," said a sobbing Muschamp...Fuck me, this really happened...Next week: FSU. Fuck.


Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman